My thoughts are jumbled. This blog is quite different from the previous and most certainly of a more personal nature. I was about to start this post off with an apology. To say that I’m sorry for the disorderly nature of my writing, and ask you, the reader, to bear with me… but the truth is, if you want to, you will and if you can’t be bothered, you wont, regardless of my apology. I apologize too often. I take on the guilt and shame of actions that have little to do with me or my control. I seek permission for things that are at the same time both my right by virtue of being alive and not within the permission-granting domain of whom I am seeking it from. If that makes sense, then maybe you know where I am coming from.
My journey of self-discovery has shown that much of this stems from abuse in my past and that which still plays out in my present.
It is about Power and Control. Who has it, how will they gain it, and how can you keep it? If I am asking for your permission for something, am I manipulating you into believing you are in control (like, say, an End User Agreement? As though you ever really had any choice but to agree in the first place?) If I am apologizing, am I stealing your reaction to my action, attempting to justify what maybe I knew better than to do in the first place? And where does that leave you in the end?
But I am off topic.
I wanted to write about today. I also wanted to write about the past several months. I’ll start chronologically and work my way up to today and why I started this post.
Back in August 2013, I began a journey. The truth is, I took the first baby steps in November 2012, but through red-tape and bureaucracy, it wasn’t until I took a very bold step in July and forced the issue, that in August I was able to begin an OHIP covered weight-loss program. I’ve struggled with body image issues and weight gain for most of my life, but certainly all of my adult life. I started the specific diet portion in September, along with an increased activity plan — I was walking every night, a minimum of 2km (for me, that was a VAST change). By November 2013 I had lost 40lbs, just over 10% of my body weight.
In December, things started going awry in other parts of my life, both within my relationship with my partner, and with my daughter’s mental health. As a result, my own mental health took a downturn and I lost my drive. My WILL remained, and I even joined the YWCA gym the first week of December. As things progressively got worse with my daughter, they culminated in the last 3 weeks of her being physically ill (a flu turned into a lung infection, and even as I write this, she is coughing in her sleep in the other room.) Needless to say, with the stress and the holidays, I let my diet and exercise routine fall by the wayside. I have yet to step back on a scale, but I wouldn’t be surprised with a 10 or 15lb weight re-gain in the last one and a half months.
This brings us to the events of today. I have been primary nurse-maid to my daughter, home from school, since December 27th and my edges are beginning to fray, nay, perhaps come apart at the seams entirely. This evening I set down a top-heavy bottle, which toppled over and knocked a bowl of dry cereal off the counter, to scatter across the entire floor and I cried. Later I went to close a bag of potato chips (see, totally off the diet!) and grabbed it from the wrong end, upending the bag across my lap, the couch and the floor; my eyes moistened again. Later still, I set down a drink and bumped the table it was on, only to have it spill all over. This time I didn’t tear up, but I was so completely DONE with being clumsy and fumbling. Yes, okay, two days ago I was up until 3:30am at the hospital with my child. Yes, okay, last night I was up until 2:30am rubbing her back while she brought up her stomach contents. Yes, okay, I’m stressed for numerous other reasons and I’m feeling lost and alone and the immediate circle of the world I live in is changing around me in unpredictable ways and I’m scared and frazzled. But enough is enough already!
Today, 15 minutes ago, I got out a box and started going through my kitchen cupboards. I removed all the unhealthy snacks and foodstuffs I have been accumulating. I reorganized my diet-related items and put them in easy reach. I filled my 7-day vitamin holder and resolved to once more take them every day (it’s been about 3 months since I did that on a regular basis). And I made an action plan.
I am going to take back my life. Yes, my daughter is still ill and I am for the most part still house-bound, and the weather SUCKS anyhow.
But I have things I can be doing in my home — decluttering and downsizing of items I no longer need. I can donate and recycle much of them. I have projects I honestly don’t want to get rid of, but which I will catalogue and date — if I haven’t started them within the next month, out they go, too.
I will re-start my at-home fitness routine, with the reflex tubing and the body-weight reps.
They say it is easy to have a spurt of drive, but maintaining the energy level and willpower required to keep going is where most people falter.
And that is why I take to the public forum. I am writing to you here and now, stating my intention, putting it out to the world. I will take back control of my life. I will once again focus on the healthy lifestyle I want to live for my daughter and myself. I will no longer allow despair, depression and negativity to cloud my judgement. I am better than the junk I have been feeding to my body and I am bigger than the lies I have been feeding to my soul.
I can do this and you will all be my witnesses.
2014 belongs to me and my true intention.