But whose perfect are you perfect to, yours, mine, or theirs?

I’d like to think we all have a little bit of a perfectionist inside us. It might just be my own perfectionism showing it’s ugly head here, because I don’t want to believe I’m alone in this. On the surface, perfectionism seems like it is a good quality — wanting to get everything done in exactly the right way, pushing yourself to always do your best, to go above and beyond, to shine! This really does sound great, doesn’t it? But there is a darker insidious side to it as well. Most people never manage to be flawless in their relentless pursuit of perfect. This means, there is a constant sense of failure, never doing it right, never getting it done, which can lead to low self-worth, depressive and anxiety-disorders, and even suicidality. If there is no such thing as perfect, then it is unattainable.

To be completely honest, after I wrote that introduction, I had to take a break and come back later to this piece. I struggle with my perfectionism on a regular basis — it is often a topic to dissect in my therapy sessions. I’m sure, at this point, it leads back to some childhood traumas. But

it isn’t about where it started that matters, it’s about how it is not serving me now. So let’s talk about this in some more detail.

Sometimes being a perfectionist means doing nothing at all — the fear of failure can stop one in their tracks, because they know they cannot do the job or task to perfection, they simply do not try. There are many places where this plays out — in the workplace, not going for that raise or applying to a managerial position because of fear of failure. At school, never joining that study group for fear of rejection after letting them down. At home, never decorating or organizing the best, because it won’t be just perfect. In social settings, never telling that certain someone how you really feel, because of course they couldn’t reciprocate since you’re not perfect. There are so many layers to being perfect that we rarely delve into — on the surface it looks like someone who does the best they can to their own ability at any given task. But deep down, it’s a person who does the best they can beyond their own capacity because of fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of loss of control, all kinds of fears.

So what can you do? Are you doomed to be controlled by these fears? The answer is, that until you try otherwise, you’ll never really know. Or as a wise little green dude is known for saying, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” You’ve just got to do the thing you’re afraid of, if you want to get anywhere in life.

Here’s 7 tips to help you let go of perfectionism:

1. Listen to your inner wisdom:
When you feel anxious about the activity you’re doing, your inner wisdom might be letting you know that what you’re attempting is asking too much of yourself. If that’s the case, take heed! Listening to your own boundaries and capabilities is key to building safety and self-esteem. We all need to be able to trust ourselves. So adjust your expectations and try again. Inner wisdom is not to be confused with negative self-talk. There’s a whole blog post available over here that talks about how to deal with that. Positive thinking can bring positive action, so grab your affirmations and get the job done as well as you can and then move on.

2. What can you let go of?
If there are times when you know you’re being a perfectionist, take a pause and write out why you need it to be perfect. Was it something your parent, teacher, or other authority figure expected of you while you were growing up? Have you seen it in social-media and thought yours needed to emulate their efforts? Whatever the root cause of this need for perfection is, knowing this will help you let go of the power it holds over you. Once you realize the need doesn’t stem from within you, but likely from outside sources, it becomes easier to let it go. If you’re struggling to see the fit for a certain task, delegate it to someone you trust, and check how they do it — it will likely be different from your way, can you let it be and move on?

3. Remember the ‘R’ in SMART
Is the goal you have set for yourself actually Realistic? Can it be achieved without too much hardship? What can you reasonably do, with the resources you have available, in the time limit you have set? If you set goals that are too far-reaching or in other words, impossible — then you are setting yourself up for failure. Breaking big goals up into smaller goals can help in this situation. You’ll also benefit from the pride of a job well done for each step you complete. Perfection is only one option. Task completion can be quick or big or the most fun or the silliest or the quietest, etc, etc. If you set the goal, you get to set the parameters around what success looks like. Once you realize the need doesn’t stem from within you, but likely from outside sources, it becomes easier to let it go. If you’re struggling to see the fit for a certain task, delegate it to someone you trust, and check how they do it — it will likely be different from your way, can you let it be and move on?

4. There’s more than meets the eye…
There’s a game I love to play called Wingspan, it’s a turn-based, point-scoring game. What I like most is that there are so many moving parts, you have to make sure you’re gaining points in all those avenues or you can’t possibly win the game. If you just focus on one stream, you will have the most in that stream, but someone else can win by spreading their points on all the streams. When we’re being a perfectionist, we’re likely focusing too much on one aspect of the task/goal. There is a bigger picture to everything we do, and if we take the time to zoom out, we will likely realize that the pedantic pieces of our project simply won’t matter in a month, or 5 years.

5. Mistakes happen
Embrace your mistakes and failures. These are part of a life well lived. If you never fail, then that says you’re never trying new things. What a sad, boring life that could be. Learning is part of growth. Growing is part of living. If you keep to the same perfect things, you won’t learn about other things! Its like having the same order at a restaurant every time you go. It feels safe and you know you’ll eat it, so you’ll get your money’s worth. But how do you discover your next favourite flavour if you never branch out from your comfort zone? Maybe you order the eggplant parmesan and realize you like it better than the chicken one… or maybe you don’t, and you can’t finish it. At least you tried, right?

6. Clear your slate
When you are a perfectionist you have expectations. You know how you want things to turn out, so you plan for them and arrange your schedule to ensure the results you want. This is likely an exhausting experience. What if you let go? What if you had a loose idea of how things might go, but you leave room for spontaneity and time to relax? If mistakes happen, then you know you can roll with it, because you’ve left yourself the room for that. In fact, Bob Ross would call them “happy accidents” and find a way to fit them in. If you can start with less of an expectation, you might just surprise yourself at the outcome.

7. Let your hair down.
You aren’t required to have military corners on all the sheets and a crumb-free environment. Or your hair in a perfect bun at all times. Perfectionists often have a long list of rules to live life by. This, too, sounds tiring. If you let your hair down, and let go of some of your personal rules, you might find new and more efficient ways to do things, or you might not. It’s about the experience of it all. Try to choose one set rule to change at a time. Rewrite your expectation to be more allowing of changes and/or mistakes. This can help you have a better all around sense of well-being, rather than suffering from anxiety over whether things will turn out right, or depression because they didn’t.

In the end, it’s all about what you want. If you want to stay in your same comfortable place, where you control how everything happens, then that’s certainly a choice to be made. But if you want to experience all the world has to offer, you need to step outside into the space where the magic happens — this is a beautifully messy place! We’re all doing our best out here. Why not dip a toe in, and see if you want to swim? If you’re looking for some assistance in letting go of perfection, reach out for a free 30 minute discovery call and lets see if we’re a good fit. Sometimes, it takes one to know one — and I’ve certainly had my fair share!

cass

Cass is an Abundance Coach, Published Author, Reiki Practitioner, Crystal Healing Guide, Rune Reader, Cyber-Creation Consultant, SEO Organizer, Social Media Assistant, Freelance Writer, Copy-editor, Jewellery Maker, Crocheter, Mom, Woman, Survivor, Trauma-Informed, Intersectional Feminist, Fat Liberation Activist, Queer, CEO of her own Life and Story! (And happily uses her native Canadian spelling throughout!)

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