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Boundaries. We all know we’re supposed to set boundaries — with friends, family, colleagues, with bosses, and especially with romantic partners. But it can be a little difficult to remember how to set a personal boundary. So let’s talk about what makes a good boundary, and what doesn’t.
To start off, according to ChatGPT “boundaries can refer to personal limits that individuals set for themselves or with others in order to protect their emotional, physical, or mental well-being. Examples of personal boundaries include saying “no” to requests that are unreasonable, setting limits on the amount of time spent with certain people, or establishing boundaries around personal space.”
This seems like a reasonable definition. It gets at the crux, being about personal limits. But saying a simple “No” is not setting a boundary. It may be part of upholding one, but an actual boundary statement will include what you are not accepting, why, and what you will do if the boundary isn’t upheld. For example, if you wanted to set a boundary around people shouting in conversations:
1. Start by recognizing your triggers: Think about the situations or behaviours that trigger you to feel uncomfortable or upset when others raise their voices. This could be situations like arguments, conflicts, or aggressive communication. It could also include times when people get loud or exuberant out of excitement.
2. Set your limits: Decide what behaviour you will and will not tolerate. For example, you may decide that shouting is not an acceptable way of communication for you and that you will walk away or end the conversation if someone raises their voice.
3. Communicate your boundary: This is the important piece. Clearly communicate your boundary to the person with whom you are setting the boundary. You might say, “I am not comfortable when people shout at me. If you continue to shout, I will end the conversation.” Make sure to use “I” statements and avoid blaming or accusing the other person. Setting a boundary is about you and what you will/won’t do and how you’ll handle it if someone else crosses that boundary. If it doesn’t feel safe to state your boundary in the moment, recognize that safety comes first. But this also might signal a red flag. Setting boundaries is complex, but part of healthy relationship communication.
4. Enforce your boundary: This is the difficult piece. Follow through with your boundary by taking action if your limit is violated. If someone continues to shout despite your request to stop, remove yourself from the situation or end the conversation.
A really great activity to do with someone you trust, whether that’s a professional or a friend, is to practice setting boundaries and upholding them when the stakes aren’t so high. Role-play what it feels like to state what your boundary is, and then role-play what it is like to enforce it in a scenario you might encounter in your other interactions.
Boundaries come in many different shapes and sizes. Some deal with simple aspects of engagement, and might feel silly to uphold — but if they’re important to you, they are not silly. Others deal with deeper values and can feel scary to communicate, especially with family who your don’t want to sever ties with, but who might cross your boundaries often.
Different types of boundaries you might need to set:
Physical boundaries: These are boundaries related to your personal space and body. Examples might include setting limits on who can touch you, establishing boundaries around sexual intimacy, or determining how much physical contact you are comfortable with in social situations.
Emotional boundaries: These are boundaries related to your feelings and emotional well-being. Examples might include setting limits on the type and frequency of emotional support you give to others, setting boundaries around how others speak to you or treat you, or deciding when to share personal information with others.
Time boundaries: These are boundaries related to how you spend your time. Examples might include setting limits on how much time you spend with certain people, setting boundaries around how much time you spend working or on electronic devices, or deciding how much free time you need to recharge.
Material boundaries: These are boundaries related to your possessions and resources. Examples might include setting limits on how much money you lend to others, establishing boundaries around sharing personal items, or determining how much you are willing to give to charitable causes.
Social boundaries: These are boundaries related to your social interactions and relationships. Examples might include setting boundaries around the type of behaviour you will tolerate from friends or acquaintances, deciding how much you will disclose to colleagues or coworkers, or determining how much socializing you are comfortable with in different settings.
And when it comes to setting any boundaries, self-care is just as important as it is with everything else well do, because setting and enforcing boundaries can be challenging and may cause emotional stress. Practice self-care to help manage your emotions, such as taking breaks, engaging in relaxing activities, or seeking support from loved ones, a coach, or a therapist.
What boundaries are not:
Sometimes we think we’re setting boundaries, but we aren’t using all the pieces. Remember, a boundary generally includes three parts — what action you won’t tolerate, why not, and what you will do if it happens. It should be from the ‘I’ perspective and be stated clearly, without aggression. If you are shouting at a person when you try to set your boundary you are not likely getting your point across in the most effective manner, and the converse is true, if you mumble or make indirect subtle hints about what you want or need, your boundary won’t be clear.
We cannot expect another person to infer our boundaries from some long monologue about our childhood trauma. A boundary is concise. Over-sharing might not be bad with a close friend, but it can make others feel uncomfortable and may not be appropriate in certain contexts or relationships.
Setting unrealistic expectations is another type of boundary no-no. If you are setting boundaries that are unreasonable or impossible to meet, then you are leading yourself into disappointment and frustration from the get-go. Asking for what you need matters, but make sure you are asking someone who can actually fulfill your request. If you know someone who is extremely excitable and often raises their voice in joy, requesting that they stop seems impossible — but stating that if they continue, you will need to walk away and take a break is a boundary that is possible for you to uphold and to give you the space you need to recover from the triggering action.
A boundary is what YOU will do if the other party engages in something you won’t tolerate. It is not about changing their actions. It is merely about limiting them in the time you spend together.
If you’d like to role-play with some of your boundaries, contact me and we can do that together!
