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Being on the outside is no easy ride. We all want a crew of friends, colleagues, or work chums who we can get along with and spend our time with. A sense of belonging is something fostered in us from a young age. We start by belonging to a small, close-knit family, and then our extended family, and soon we add friends and classmates to the list. As we age, we start work and have coworkers … We hope to know many of our friends, family and work buddies for a long time, if we’ve put the effort into creating those bonds.
Belonging is the feeling of security we look for in all we do. It gives us a sense of support and acceptance by those around us. We feel included in the happenings of our group, and in fact identify as a member of said group.
It allows us to spread our wings, knowing these friends have got our back and we can be our true authentic self.
Outside of work and possibly school, we tend to form groups around activities or interests, things like an organized sport we enjoy in our free time, or religious beliefs, or pop culture interests. Younger friends may be found when parents group together with other parents, or, as they get older it could be favoured toys, electronics, games, or maybe even fashion. Some younger people often feel the need to conform to a certain mannerism or style in order to “fit in”, but hopefully as we age, we lose that notion and are able to feel comfortable being who we are and finding the ones who truly appreciate us in all our weirdness!
According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, social belonging is an entire level of the pyramid. The humanistic psychologist believed we need some of these connections in order to feel a true sense of belonging in our lives: friendships, romantic attachments, family relationships, social groups, community groups, and religious or other organizations. Otherwise, he surmised, we could tip into loneliness, depression, and anxiety.
A sense of belonging is a fundamental need for existence. If you’ve just moved, changed jobs, or had a significant loss in your life, and you find yourself without this sense, here are some tips for how to regain that sense:
1: Social Groups – there are plenty of groups based around interests. You can find a lot of them online, searching sites like Facebook, Instagram, etc; for topics you are fascinated by. For me, that would be things like crocheting, firefly, other forms of arts and crafts, star trek, sloths, and you get the idea! Take a deep breath, and take the plunge — introduce yourself in a new group today, you never know who you’ll find. I also joined an online neighbourhood group for where I’m living. If you can’t find the right groups, you might consider starting your own.
2: Join a Club – there are often clubs in metropolitan areas that you can join, golf clubs, tennis clubs, rifle ranges, paintball groups, ultimate frisbee, quilters clubs, etc etc etc! Many of these groups tend to have fees related to joining, so watch out for that. And most of them require gear of some sort, which can also get pricey. But if you’re already doing the thing, then doing it at a club increases your chance of connecting with the people you want.
3: Reach Out to Family – this one can be difficult, especially if there is historical hardship between you, or a real physical distance. But I bet if you reached out to that cousin you haven’t seen since the Holiday get together, or the family reunion, and let them know you were feeling kind of down and could use an outing as a pick-me-up, they’d be happy to schedule something with you. Of course, this method really does require a lot of emotional labour on your part as the one doing the reaching out. You might even be the one to PLAN a family reunion if there hasn’t been one in a long time. Make sure you have the capacity before you embark on a huge endeavour.
4: Do More of What You Love – they say the best way to meet people is to engage in the activities you enjoy most, and then cross paths with other people who are also engaged in those activities. Whether it’s researching a particular topic at the library, or using the library’s maker’s space, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or playing a sport (I hear pickleball is mighty popular these days!) or wherever you find your joy. Do more of what you love and you’ll find the people who you jive with, it’s an almost fool-proof plan!
5: Take out an ad — it doesn’t have to be in a newspaper, it could be on a dating app, or just a general social media account, or a topical forum. Wherever your interests best lie, write a post about yourself and what you’re looking for, be witty and honest, and people will respond. This option is kind of scary, I’m sure, not knowing who/what might reply, but plenty of people do this every day and find awesome connections at the other end.
Whatever option you choose, if you feel a lack of belonging in your life, the key is to do something actively to combat the loneliness. You are deserving of the sense of belonging you long for. It may take some serious effort on your part, and maybe some good timing on the part of the universe, but I truly believe you can find what you seek. If you’re struggling with this, please reach out to me and I’d love to help you brainstorm new ideas for building community and getting that social belonging Maslow says we all need.
One Response
Thank you Cass, this blog post is so uplifting and refreshing. I’m sure many others will benefit from it as I certainly have 🥰
Gerald Alexander
http://www.xqisit-lifestyles.co.uk