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Setting a boundary generally includes 3 parts — what action you won’t tolerate, why not, and what you will do if it happens. For example: I am not comfortable when people shout at me. If you continue to shout, I will need to walk away and end the conversation. You may need to state this boundary on multiple occasions before it is upheld.

When we look at boundaries we generally examine them as different types:

Physical: Physical boundaries are limits around physical touch, personal space, and proximity. Examples of physical boundaries can include hugging, shaking hands, or standing a certain distance apart when talking to others.

Intellectual: Intellectual boundaries refer to beliefs, values, and morals. Establishing boundaries around such mental aspects may include refusing to discuss certain topics or beliefs with others.

Sexual: Sexual boundaries involve setting limits around sexual activities and preferences. Consensual and respectful communication regarding desires, needs, and limitations is important in establishing healthy sexual relationships. Enthusiastic consent is what you’re looking for, so if substances have been used on either side, it’s not really possible to give that enthusiastic consent – you may wish to reconsider your evenings options.

Emotional: Emotional boundaries involve setting limits that promote emotional well-being. For example, someone may establish these limits by asking for personal space when feeling overwhelmed or by not allowing others to criticize their feelings.

Financial: Financial boundaries could involve shared finances or lending money. Some may set a specific budget, limit unnecessary spending, or establish guidelines for shared expenses with roommates or partners.

Time: Time boundaries limit how one wants to allocate their time. For example, setting specific work or office hours enables a better work-life balance, and allocating time for pleasurable activities can lead to a healthier life.

Social Media: Social Media boundaries limit the amount of time we spend on various social media outlets, like instagram, reddit, facebook, etc. This can be from not allowing children to use them at all until a certain age, or even how we curate our own feeds, not to include specific topics or news.

The idea here is to be consistent with your boundaries. They carry little weight if you are not enforcing them. It’s one thing to say X is what I need, it’s an entirely different thing to say X is what I need and Y is how I will respond if you don’t do it and then you follow through with Y. People might ignore your requests all together if you constantly let them. But consistency with boundaries means maintaining them even when you’re feeling guilty or overwhelmed.

Take a look at the boundaries you already have in your life. Often things can happen and we feel uncomfortable, but we’re not sure why. It’s important to look at the situation and spend some time exploring what is happening to you. Are the actions you or someone else is taking going against your core values? Is there a way you can maintain everyone’s dignity but set some guidelines around what you’d like to take place in this situation? Try it out, it’s okay to adjust until it feels like the right fit.

“No.” is a complete sentence. You do not have to do anything that makes you feel overly uncomfortable. Yes, we often say the magic happens outside your comfort zone, but there’s a difference between stretching it and breaking it. Remember, these are your boundaries and you are deserving of having people respect them. If you’d like to role-play with boundaries or get some help around how to uphold them once you’ve set them, reach out for a free 30 minute discovery call. Let’s see where we can maintain boundaries you’ve already set in your own life.