Communication is key in forming, building, and maintaining any relationship, whether personal or professional. We must convey our needs and our abilities to others in order to connect.

One half of communication is sharing, and the other half is listening. There are many forms of listening, but let’s take another look at active listening here:

1) Pay attention.
 And not just polite attention. Actually look at the person speaking to you, watch for body language and other non-verbal cues, and listen to their words as well as their tone. Don’t think about other things, or what you might say in rebuttal. Don’t let things in the environment (other speakers, loud noises, etc) distract you.

2) Show that you’re listening.
 This may mean nodding or shaking your head where appropriate, but it can also include maintaining eye contact or encouragement with vocal “mmhmm”’s or other gestures.

3) Provide feedback.
 Let the speaker know you’ve actually heard what they’ve said, paraphrase and repeat back to them what you heard, and if you need to ask clarifying questions, do this here.

4) Defer Judgment.
 There’s nothing worse than getting halfway to a point and being interrupted with a counterargument that could have been avoided if you’d just been able to complete your point. Allow room for the speaker to finish their thoughts before you cut in with your feedback.

5) Respond Appropriately.
 Once you’ve allowed them to clarify any points you may have had questions about, then it is time to respond to what you’ve heard. Be open, honest, and candid in how you share your response. In order for there to be actual communication we must always strive to share the truth. Be respectful, this means treating others as you think they would want to be treated — or like the old adage, treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.

Also, remember it is better to clarify than to assume. If you are unsure, ask! When we look with curiosity rather than judgement we are better able to see from one another’s point of view, even if we disagree.

If you are encountering conflict with another person the best way to move forward is through the use of I-statements. It can look a little something like this:

1. When you…
2. I feel…
3: I imagine…
4. I need/want…
5. Would you…
6. Consequence of unmet need…

How it works:

1. When you… state the specific action you are having trouble with, for example, when you increase the volume of your speech.

2. I feel… share how you feel when the other person carries out the act, for example I feel intimidated and unsure of what will happen next.

3. I imagine… try to imagine the other person’s perspective. How do you imagine they see the situation? Imagine a good intention, for example, I imagine you are only excited to get your point across.

4. I need/want… share what the frustrated part of you needs in this situation. You want to identify what you need and want from this situation, as opposed to what you want the other person to do, for example I need to feel safe when I’m communicating and want to maintain a calmer interaction.

5. Would you… make a specific and concrete request to the other person, for example, Would you be able to keep your voice level?

6. Consequence of unmet need… state the action you will take if they are unable to meet the request. For example, If you are unable to keep your voice level, I will ask for a break so we can come back and talk later when things will feel less heated.

When someone is giving you the I-Statement, remember your active listening skills. Try to listen without thinking about what you’ll say next. If you can’t implement what has been asked of you, offer what you can do instead, and see if this works for the other person. Try not to negotiate here for too long — you’re looking to make communication better, not start another conflict. Be honest about what you can do.

Communication is like a dance. If you don’t know the steps, it can take time to learn them, but once you’ve mastered them, you’ll be able to partner with anyone at any level of growth and feel heard.

If you’re looking for some pointers or to practice some of these steps, why not set up a 30 minute free discovery session with me, and lets see where we can take this wild ride!