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Ahh, the empty-nest. Usually a term referencing when our children grow up and fly the coop – clinically referred to as “Empty-nest syndrome”. But I would argue that many parents experience it, at least a little bit, every Autumn when the kids go back to school. This is especially true for parents with young kids who are entering the school system for the first time.
Suddenly finding yourself with six or seven free hours in the day can feel a little overwhelming. At first it seems like a wonderful boon — hours to myself where I can pee with the door closed and no little hand knocking and wanting to come in, to know “what are you doing in there?” or crying for being left alone. Hours when I can get things done, chores and tasks and projects — things I’ve let fall to the wayside while keeping a busy summer schedule to entertain my (generally ungrateful) offspring.
Do I feel a little guilt that I’m so happy they’re out of my hair for a bit? Yes, probably. But I think relief is maybe the overall feeling, tinged though it may be by sadness, thinking about all the things they’ll do that I’ll miss, all the first-times that someone else gets to witness. These are okay feelings to have — journaling about them helped me uncover and peel back all the layers here.
For me, back in 2008, I was feeling things about society, and the expectations on parents, especially as I was a single-parent. I was feeling things about our school structure here in Canada and both gratitude for teachers, as well as anger at the government for not valuing them enough. I was feeling a sense of relief and joy at the prospect, after many long years alone, of having a whole school system to help support my kidlet.
And some shame around not deciding to home-school or free-school, or my inability to afford Montessori school. I also felt torn, because after school my kid was super happy for having been there, coming home with excitement and great stories, but every morning the fuss about not wanting to get on the bus still arose. Was I doing the right thing by forcing it, or should I have made the sacrifice and drove to school? Of course, it’s been nearly two decades since this happened, and my son doesn’t even remember the crying fits in the morning contrasted by the smiles as he shared stories about his favourite teacher every afternoon, so why am I still hanging on to those conflicted feelings?
But I digress.
The first few days of back to school, I figured it was okay to rest, the next few days I half-heartedly did some extra cleaning, maybe even some organization around the projects I had in mind.. but somehow, two weeks went by and I was not any more caught up than I was when the kids were home.
It’s easy to feel stuck. To feel like there’s too much pressure on the few hours of freedom. And at the same time, feel like there aren’t enough hours in the daytime. The questions start bubbling up. Am I more than just a parent? Does this change who I am? What am I going to do with my time?
There are many tools that come to mind at this point. Between gratitude for the freedom, affirmations to change the mindset, and goals to get things moving, I think there are a lot of ways to shift our focus.
It all starts with mindset. How will you perceive the time you have? Affirmations are a good way for setting intentions and sticking to them. Get out your journal and try a few for yourself.
Some examples:
I feel deserving of this free time.
I am worthy of focus on just me.
I see myself accomplishing goals.
I know my capacity.
I love my choices.
Your daily routine is no longer centred around little hands and mouths and minds. This is a new opportunity to begin a routine that focuses on you and your needs. Think about all aspects of your life, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social.
Maybe you want to start the day with a walk – is that taking the kids to school and returning on your own, or do they get themselves there and you make time for some form of mindful movement just for you. I like to get in a swim during the day — adult swims have so many fewer splashes than the ones where I would take my son! Will you plan meals just for yourself, or will you arrange lunch dates with your social group? Are there things on the menu that your kids simply won’t eat but now you can indulge? How does food heal your being?
Connecting, and reconnecting, with friends and family, even your spouse or partners can be something for which you didn’t realize you needed extra time. We all get busy, we can’t believe it’s been months since we’ve seen the in-laws, we are surprised our cousin’s kids have gotten so big. Whoever it is that we’re missing the most, now is the time to make the time to reach out. The health of our social group can sometimes be the barometer of our own health. I know when I’m only seeing my very close family and none of my friends, something is amiss and it’s time to journal it out.
And how do you make time for spiritual expression in your life? Do you have a meditation corner, or attend a place of worship? Do you find that being in nature brings you closer to spirit? Whatever works for you, making sure you take the time and space to fill your cup with these experiences will allow you to thrive in other aspects of your life.
With new-found freedom, new space opens for doctor, therapist, and specialist appointments during the day – without having to find someone to watch the kids or tag them along. The freedom to service your needs without scheduling mayhem can give you the boost you needed to finally make a physiotherapist appointment for that knee that’s been bothering you ever since the start of summer vacation. Or at least, you get the drift!
And goals. Oh so many goals! It’s hard to pick just one to start with. Sitting down with a journal and working that out, choosing to prioritize self and fun can help. But making actual specific, measured, attainable, realistic/relevant, timely goals is what will keep your days from getting away from you. Maybe you want to take on a new hobby, maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to play an instrument. Whatever the goal, be sure to write it down and give yourself those goal posts — how will you know you’re making progress, what will it look like when you’ve reached the halfway point, what will success look like in the end?
The one thing we often overlook is rest. Rest is different from being lazy — we think, a nap in the middle of the day makes us unproductive. But this is the furthest thing from the truth. Our body lets us know what it needs. If your body is sending signals that it is time to rest, listen to it. Our fast-paced Western world wants us to be go-go-go, if we’re not being productive, we’re not worth much. This is not true — remember those affirmations? You are deserving of the free-time, and that means whatever it looks like, it’s okay. Take a nap. Sit and zone out to your favourite show for 45 minutes. Make a snack that tickles the joy of your inner child. Go outside with bare feet and lay in the grass, and look up at the treetops, watching how they sway against their cloudy backdrop. Do what you need to re-energize yourself.
Dream big — if you’ve got all of the above going on, and you’re not feeling fulfilled, maybe it’s time to do something bigger. Go back to school, upgrade your degree or take an entirely different avenue. Start a home business. Maybe you started by decluttering and organizing your home, only to discover it really isn’t the use of the home, but the house itself that isn’t working for you and your family, and now that you’ve got the time, you’re going to start searching for the perfect place in your favourite neighbourhood. It’s okay to dream big and then not follow-through, sometimes the planning can be the success all in itself. I have a floor plan for the restaurant/internet cafe/laundromat/speak-easy I’ll never actually run, but taking the time to get it out of my head and on to paper, along with a name and a sample menu, gave me a sense of satisfaction that if the opportunity ever comes up, I’ll be prepared! And it freed up some head-space for me to dream up other dreams (like casstastrophe.com!)
This empty-nest feeling will go away when you fill the nest with what you need. This is about you and your focus on self. Reclaim the day, and put time to good use for you. Sure, you might prep things for making dinner for the family, or grocery shop while you’re child free, or any number of chores that are easier to do unhindered. But don’t let those become the focus of your time. This is a gift you’ve received don’t let it become like so many gift-certificates hanging, expired, from a magnet on the fridge. Put in the effort and you’ll see the pay-out here is more than worth it!
If you need some guidance, or simply a sounding-board, reach out and book a free 30 minute discovery call with me and let’s get the show started. After all, this is your life, this is your story. What will the next chapter look like?
