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Fear, as a noun, is an emotion in and of itself. I can simply BE afraid. But it is also a verb, an action word, I can be afraid OF something. Remembering that fear is an emotion can be the hard part — sometimes there is no actual threat other than what we’ve perceived and our emotional response seems out of proportion to the situation. This can be a learned response, from a history of trauma.
The limbic system, especially the amygdala, is wired for survival. It has four main responses to fear. You’ve probably heard of them and you’ve probably experienced them all at some point: fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Let’s take a look at what they each mean.
Fight: This is the knee-jerk reaction to fear for some people. When they encounter something to be a threat, they immediately jump into a fighter stance, whether that be a verbal debate or a physical altercation. For someone who is tugged into the fight response, they can feel heated and aggressive as the body increase the heart-rate, pumping blood to the muscles to get ready to take on this physical response.
Flight: This is when your reaction to a perceived threat is to run away. Danger, no matter how big or small, can seem like too much to handle. So whether you tell someone you need time, and scurry away, or whether you simply turn tail and run, the response is the same — an immediate need to be anywhere but where you are in the moment.
Freeze: This can be the worst of them all, when your body won’t respond to the signals you think you’re sending. You are simply frozen in spot, unable to act against a perceived threat. The mind goes blank and the body won’t move.
Fawn: Ahh, this one I know all too well. This is when your stress response is to try to please others in order to avoid conflict. You’ve heard the saying “To fawn all over someone” well, this is the epitome of that — you bend over backwards to please the person, because you have seen their negative responses be toxic, and you want to avoid them at all cost (even to the detriment of self).
Fears do not need to be rational. Being afraid of spiders, if you live in Australia, where spiders can be large (12 inch leg span of a Huntsman spider seems EXCESSIVE at best) and poisonous, seems to make a lot more sense, than if you live in Ontario, Canada, where dock spiders at 9cm are some of the largest arachnids in the area — and although they are venomous, they are not dangerous unless you’re allergic. A fear of the dark, if you’ve had a bad experience with it seems understandable, but an irrational fear simply because the dark is full of the unknown, seems juvenile at best. But we don’t get to choose our fears, they often choose us! It can be as simple as a Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark book that you read far too early in your childhood. Or it can be as complex as a true story you know about someone you care about who was harmed in some way.
Whatever the cause, fear happens.
Learning which response is your go-to, and how to help yourself navigate away from it, can help with success in your life.
Fight: When you’re afraid, your body reacts physically — your heart rate increases, your breath speeds up, your eyes can dilate to let in more light, your hearing becomes sharper, even your hands and feet might get cold because blood flow is increasing to your major muscles. These are all response your autonomic nervous system is taking to ready you for the perceived danger. The problem is, these responses are wired in us from a long, long time ago, when danger would likely have been the need to run from or turn and fight a predator. So when our body reacts it’s no wonder one might feel aggression coming on, the need to fight and protect self. The blood is pumping and you’re ready to rumble!
The best response to this physical change is to take some time to do deep breathing. Let your heart rate go down, visualize a favourite calming place or image or story. Think about a word or sentence that speaks calm to you; “This too shall pass”. If you practice yoga or tai chi, there may be a position or stance you can take that will encourage you to calm. Doing this in the face of fight-response fear can help you calm down and choose a more rational response. Punching someone because they took your spot in line isn’t going to get you anywhere faster. Calmly stating your position and giving a suggestion for resolution might not work either, but stating your boundaries is almost always a better response than a physical altercation.
Flight: This response is really helpful if you step out into the street and perceive a car coming in your direction. Flee to the relative safety of the sidewalk and live to see another day. But if your partner comes to you to discuss a job opportunity that might involve a move, while this can be scary, it’s a fear you need to sit in and discuss. Fleeing in this instance won’t make the cause of the fear go away and it certainly won’t help your relationship! If you feel the immediate need to flee, it’s okay to express this, and even take some time to yourself. “Hey, that’s a really big piece of news. I’m going to need some time to process it and get my thoughts in order before we can discuss it. I’m going to take a breather in the bedroom for a bit, but I’ll come back in 15 minutes and we can talk then.” This is setting a boundary for yourself — saying that heavy news requires processing time and you’re going to take it before discussing anything further.
Often dealing with a fear response involves setting healthy boundaries and letting others know what you need in the moment. In the above example, perhaps letting your loved one know that big news is a big deal, and that going out to a restaurant is not the place to share it, because you’ll feel cornered and like there’s no where to go. Talking at home, or at least in a private space, where there is somewhere you can go to be alone with the news for a bit, is a requirement for you. If they respect you and your boundaries, then they will follow your requests.
Freeze: Stuck. This response can feel like you’re completely stuck. What could you possibly do to get out of this stuck feeling — it’s a physical response, the mind is blank, the body won’t move. It is going to take time to train yourself away from this one. Practicing with friends, role-playing, pretending you’re in the stuck spot and trying different techniques can help prepare you for when you’re really there. Starting small — find one word or one movement to get you out. Reminding yourself over and over again, this isn’t real. Unless you’re actually in front of a bear and need to play possum (which they don’t recommend anyhow), there is no situation where being frozen is going to help. Turning your can’t’s into can’s here is what you need most. Can’t move, but you can — move a toe, or a foot or a leg. Move your eyes and then your cheeks and then your face and mouth. Swallow, take a deep breath. Can’t speak, but you can — speak your needs. This is one of the places where practicing with a friend can help — “I need some time.” Telling the other person/people in the situation that hey, things aren’t great right now, I need a moment — or even, I need to take a trip to the ladies room.
Whatever it is, get yourself moving and ask for some time. Then come back and say your piece. Ask for your boundaries to be respected. Let them know that this is an uncomfortable situation for you and in order to respond appropriately you’d like some time to gather your thoughts.
Fawn: It’s important to admit to yourself that this is the action you’re taking. We often try to gloss over the fawning stage with ideas of being nice and that everyone deserves to be treated well. But you know, you know when your boundaries are being crossed and it’s time to take off the kiddie gloves. Setting boundaries can feel difficult at first, but the more often you do it, the easier it will get. Figure out what you DON’T want in your life, the things you won’t tolerate, and then practice with a close friend on telling someone they’ve crossed the line. Standing up for yourself feels like aggression at first, but it can be done in a true assertive fashion, leaving everyone’s dignity in tact.
Often people who fawn leave no room for self expression. They’re so caught up in pleasing others that they don’t get to be their true selves. Take some time to journal about what makes you you, and the things you like about yourself — if this is too hard to do, ask your friends to tell you 3 things they like about you, or something they think you’re good at, or what they’d say if they were telling a stranger about you. You are unique. You bring lots to the table. Remember that fawning robs you of your individuality and puts you in a subservient role to those whose toxic nature is something you fear. You deserve to be yourself. Setting boundaries can help you achieve this.
Another good practice for fawners is replacing “I’m sorry” with “Thank-you”’s. Instead of saying “I’m sorry I’m late” you can say “Thank you for waiting”. Instead of apologizing when you step on a stranger’s foot, try “Excuse me”. If you’ve done something worthy of an apology, then it’s best to apologize. But if you’ve simply existed and the other may feel affront, this is a place to flip the script and thank them for their patience.
For any and all of these responses, working with a trained professional to get at the root of the response and help you rethink your options around fear responses, is always the best option. I’m a Wholistic Life Mentor. Of course we’re going to work with fear and how it manifests in your life. But I’m not the one to get down to the nitty gritty with your history of trauma. That’s a journey you’ll take with a therapist.
Your body will respond in one of these four ways to fear or a perceived threat. Learning how to work with each of them can give you a leg-up with fear — knowing the dance moves ahead of time can help alleviate the fear to begin with, and give you something to focus on. Having several strategies to fall back on is a wonderful way to feel prepared in any situation.
