Menu
Life is about the living of it — the exploring, discovering and challenging of new exciting things, places and ideas. Without a sense of security, it is difficult to step forward and take on new risk. Feeling safe and secure means having a sense of control, over yourself and things outside yourself. It is by taking that calculated risk, outside of your comfort zone, that we grow, but the trick is to do it in a way that keeps you safe emotionally and physically.
Let’s look at some signs that you already feel secure within yourself:
1) You’re happy being alone. This doesn’t mean you prefer your own company or don’t like people. It simply means that when you find yourself alone, that’s alright. For some, being alone is excruciatingly painful. They would move heaven and earth to make sure that doesn’t happen, or they always need to have the television or streaming services on their phone, to distract them from being with only themselves. This is not a sense of being secure. If, instead, you can rejoice in the alone time, the chance to do some of the things on your list, or even the chance to do nothing at all, to lounge and listen to music, or cook yourself a fantastic meal… then perhaps you are happy to be alone, and feel safe with your own thoughts.
2) You don’t always need to be right. This is a touchy subject for some. “But what if I know I’m right and they just won’t give in?” ahh, there’s the rub… what if they won’t give in? It isn’t always just about factual accuracy, sometimes people need the other to concede to their way for a sense of control. Being able to relinquish that control and let things be as they may, whether the other agrees or disagrees, that is a sign of true security in yourself. Knowing something to be true for you, and not needed to force it on others is in a way letting go of being right, and instead learning to be in the right-now.
3) You say no. This isn’t about someone asking to borrow your stapler, knowing they won’t return it, and declining the request. This is a deeper subject indeed. Learning that when people ask of you, your time and resources, that if you are at or nearing capacity or simply have another plan for that energy, you are okay saying no, without fearing they will hate you or get back at you or tattle on you. This is about realizing and valuing your own worth and autonomy. If this is one you struggle with, start small — say no where it feels safe, and slowly branch out into more places in your life.
4) You show compassion. Being able to see things from another person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree, is a skill to nurture. Without compassion, the world would certainly feel like a very scary place — you wouldn’t be able to consider what others are feeling in a situation and you’d probably assume the worst! Knowing that the worst is usually unlikely, aiming to see the truth in any situation is best. Whether it is someone you know well, or a complete stranger, taking in the signs of what might be going on or listening to them explain what is actually going on, can allow you to have insights into their reality and offer kindness, even if you feel slighted. And remembering, one of my favourite quotes of the Buddha is: If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.
5) You let go. This is a tough one, tough for me to even write about because I’m still working on this one! Letting go of things, places, memories, and the power they can hold over you is essential to moving forward. As it has been said, if you carry the bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you will only build the same house. If you hold on to all the attachment to an object, a person, a situation, it will continue to rule you. If, however, you are able to let it go, you set yourself free.
6) You don’t worry what others think of you. Ah, the true freedom here, to actually be all of yourself without worrying that others will judge you. This one can take a lot of time to master, especially if we have contorted ourselves so much to be what we think others want us to be, that we aren’t even exactly sure who we are now at all! My mentor shares a great quote for this one — “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.” — Charles Cooley. If, instead you can simply focus on being yourself in an every changing world, you’ll be ahead of the game for sure.
7) You don’t crave the limelight. It’s okay to be just an extra, or even in the audience. We don’t always need to be on stage. That can be exhausting. Sometimes taking a back seat and watching others learn to drive is what the situation calls for the most. Learning that, even though this is your life and your story, but that you don’t always need to be the star character in what is going on at every given moment, is humbling and a hard pill to swallow. The more you practice it, the more you’ll enjoy seeing others thrive. It’s like a concert — sometimes the violin section takes the lead, and sometimes the triangle gets it’s staring moment. Whatever the situation, leaving room for others to shine will be one of the best feelings in life, try it today.
8) You ask for help. This stems from not always needed to be right. Knowing that you’re not perfect and that you’re not expected to be, and that there are other out there who have gone through what you’re going through now — you just need to reach out and ask for help. We can’t go it alone! Imagine all the things throughout your own life that haven’t happened in solitary, and then expand that to your immediate family’s achievements, and then your community, and then go broader still… think about all of history, what would it be like if only those who did things independently survived? Our entire social structure is built on our interdependency with others. So asking for help ought to be easy, right?
9) You’re prepared to try and fail. And try and fail again. And again! Life is about the living, then everything you attempt was new to you at one point. It’s perfectly normal and mundane to try something for the first time and fail. The important part is that you pick yourself up and try again. We often compare ourselves to other’s highlight reels. Rarely do we get to see how many times. There’s a great video of a child practicing to jump on a box, failing and getting right back up again. We can all learn from this video. The determination. The guidance. The triumph. And as I love to quote Jake the Dog from Adventure Time “Sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something.”
https://youtu.be/X-jMIAj9pK8?si=mOX5ITr911UID_Zn
10) You embrace your flaws. Perfection doesn’t exist. Heck, even normal doesn’t exist. We all have flaws we wrangle with in our lives. Whatever they may be, embrace them and wear them with pride. Our differences allow us to see the world from a different perspective. I’d heard it said that we are the universe experiencing itself. What a beautiful way to think of the human experience. If we were all perfect copies of each other, what would be the point of experiencing it, each of us would see the same thing in the same way. Connect with others, let your flaws be what help you connect, let your flaws be gems that change you. Be different and be beautiful.
According to research, a sense of inner security and inner resilience can calm us in times of stress. This makes a lot of sense. Drawing on our sense of safety and wellbeing, we can feel stronger to face the tasks before us in life. Tap into your reserves, let yourself know that you’ve got this. Or whatever catch phrase you need! Mine, across the bottom of my computer monitor is:
p.s. you got this.
I’m going to end with a quick list of ways to help you achieve a sense of security if you’re not feeling it so strongly right now:
1. Reach out to others for emotional support — friend, family, coworkers.
2. Look for professional advice from those you trust — maybe a family doctor, or someone you know well in a position of authority, like a sports coach or teacher.
3. If you are comfortable with support groups, there are a ton of them out there — just google for your own city plus the words ‘support groups’ and you’ll find numerous.
4. Get a physical and an emotional evaluation — check to see how you’re actually doing, this can help you disband any anxiety around not being ok.
5. It’s also a good idea to do a relationship checkup — whether this is with friends or partners.
6. If you are alone and want to be in relationships, then get out of the house, so you can meet people! Do the things you love and you’ll meet other people doing those things, too.
7. Take some time to look at the good things in your world — lists are great here, do a deep dive at all the goodness happening for you right now.
8. Cut your losses — knowing when to let go is rough, but if you’ve been digging in the same spot without any results, maybe try another route.
9. Take care of yourself. — It isn’t selfish. It’s survival.
10. Fight your insecurity — talk back to it, let it know you’ve got this, tell it the plan of action and leave it at home when you go out.
11. And if it is persistent, seek professional help — it’s possible it isn’t just insecurity. It could be depression or an anxiety disorder. Speak to a doctor and be honest about how it is affecting your life.
If you’re not sure where you’re at or how to feel safe and secure in your specific situation, then by all means, reach out and book a free 30 minute Discovery Call with me. Let’s connect and see if we’re a good fit.
