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I had an incident happen to me yesterday that made me feel powerless and I did not like it. I won’t go into details, suffice it to say, someone who held power over me coerced me into sharing information that I immediately afterwards felt was a violation of the social contract. Was it illegal? I don’t actually know, but I won’t seek amends in that regard. What I will do is examine my feelings around empowerment and when “No.” ought to be enough.
In my case, this person questioned me several different ways for the same information, and while I felt I had thrown them off with my first two responses, when we got down to the nitty gritty, I didn’t know how to say a flat out no — I was afraid of their power to potentially negatively effect an important aspect of my life.
I talk a lot about mindset and mindfulness, about being in the moment and aware of your surroundings.
This particular phone call robbed me of any sense of my surroundings. In fact, I had pulled over to the side of the road to take the call, since it was that important to me, and I didn’t realize that by the end of the call, I was blocking someone in their driveway who was trying to pull their car out. I was so hyper-focused on this phone call, on this person who held power over me, and who was yielding that power in order to force me into a verbal corner.
I divulged personal information that was not their right to know. I was vague at first, and then eventually they questioned me into details. I felt sick when I clicked to end the call. This was technically a stranger and they now knew intimate details about my health that were not their purview.
So now that you know what I DID do, let’s talk about what I wish I had done and what I hope I will do if I ever face a similar situation in my future.
Learning to say a simple no, or no thank-you, takes time, experience, and often courage.
I play a silly card game called Unstable Unicorns, and there are both “No” and, with an expansion, “No Thank-you” cards. You can play them any time you want to stop another player from doing an action. You can play them on their turn, on someone else’s turn, whether they’re against you or everyone or even no one. They are pretty powerful cards in the game. As they should be — NO is a very powerful word.
In fact, they say “No is a complete sentence.” and getting comfortable with that concept can be a whole experience in and of itself.
When this person asked me the things they did, I wish I’d said “No.” Perhaps it would have been more like “No, that’s not something I feel comfortable sharing with you.” or even “No, that’s frankly none of your business.” or “No, no one else in your position has asked me this before, I don’t see the relevance.” Whatever words came afterward, it was the resounding NO that I wish I’d had in my pocket to pull out.
There’s a lot of places where this happens. Where we feel disempowered and we revert to a subservient position. At work, at school, with law enforcement, etc. We believe that the person leading the situation actually has the power to compel us to tell them things they have no business asking in the first place. That their position imbues them with some kind of mythical force, where they wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t their place to know. But the truth is, they are only human, and like the rest of us, completely fallible.
And, just like the rest of us, what happened to me happens often. A figure with power, real or perceived, abuses that position and we aren’t sure of the dance moves that come next — do we stand our ground and come to potential harm from that power, or do we give in and hope everything comes out in the wash?
I suppose it depends what the risks are. I suppose saying one ubiquitous “Be empowered. Say no!” would come from a place of great privilege. There are situations, in any country in the world, where life and death can be on the line when someone in perceived power stops to question someone with less perceived power.
I like to joke, with a meme I saw recently — People with beards are just people without beards, with beards. The idea being, we’re all just people underneath. Under a judge’s robe, they’re only a human. Under an officer’s uniform, they’re only a human. Under a boss’s 3-piece suit, they’re only a human. But if you really need the judge to dismiss your case, or if you happen to be black in America, or if you can’t lose the job or you’ll lose your housing. Then these humans have some sort of superhuman power in these situations and saying “No.” gets murky and difficult.
It then becomes important to pay attention to the situation, and recognize that safety come first. If you are in a position where saying No could significantly negatively impact your future, or your very life, saying No might be the wrong choice for you.
When the stakes aren’t quite so high, giving a reasonable No to an inquisitor, letting them know where your limits and boundaries lie, this is something to work on. Practice it. When your partner asks “What do you want for dinner tonight?” try it out, “No, actually, I think I’d like you to decide this time.” When your coworker asks you to do a task that isn’t in your job description, practice saying “No, I’d really love to help, but my plate is full right now. Maybe you can ask X if they have more availability for you.” These are situations where the power is often laterally equal and saying No is much more acceptable and accessible.
When the stakes get higher, it gets more difficult for me to offer words of encouragement. I don’t know your specific situation. As a fat, queer, white woman in Canada, I would never find myself in situations that some people will. I can recommend standing your ground, but I can also let you know, which I know now, after writing this piece, that sometimes people in power will abuse that power and you’ll find yourself going along with their requests — and it’s not your fault. The stakes at risk are too high to potentially lose, and the person in power probably knows that.
I write this paragraph to myself, and to anyone who needs to hear it. Saying No is a powerful and nuanced response. I did what I felt I needed to do in that situation to abate the potential risks. I need not blame myself for my inaction, instead acknowledge the sense of violation and the social structure that allows for what happened to happen again and again to people with less perceived power. This one isn’t on me. This one is on the person who abused their position.
If you find yourself unable to say No, I recommend journaling about it later. It is highly likely that you were put in a position where the risks were simply too high. Cut yourself some slack, be kind, and know you are not alone. There are services available to help you walk through what happened if you need, reach out and ask for support.
I did not write the blog I set out to write, this was certainly introspective and eye opening for me. I hope you understood the journey from top to bottom of this piece. Feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about it some more.
