This feels big. Really big. Being able to acknowledge my own capacity is a good start, I’ve been doing pretty good with that lately, saying ‘no’ to close family and friends where the risk doesn’t seem so big. But the break-through of being able to fully say no to something that pulls at me emotionally like this situation, being able to see that saying no was actually the only appropriate option for me here, this is the learning I’ve been leaning into.

So how can you get there, too?

How you say no matters:
I think one of the big helps has been having scripts in my metaphorical toolkit to help me in those times when my knee-jerk reaction jumps in before I even think about it. Things like, ‘I’d really like to say yes here, but the truth is I’m full up. Can I help you brainstorm other people who might be better suited to help you right now?’ or even ‘At the moment I am at capacity, when I make some space I will let you know.’ or maybe ‘I don’t think I’m the right fit for this ask right now’ and ‘Thank-you for thinking of me, but I already have plans. Maybe next time?’ … These are all very gentle forms of no, but still a no.

Practice makes perfect:
Like I mentioned above, I’ve been practicing on people I feel safer with, people who I can readily predict how they are likely to react to my no’s. People who are unpredictable, or feel less safe — these will be later steps in the process. But specific practice is good, too, as in, ask a friend, coach, or therapist with whom you can actually practice various situations. Lay out the ground work and then practice the actual words you would say, feel them coming out of your mouth and see a potential response from your practice partner. This can help you overcome the jitters you might feel when the real event takes place.

Take the time you need:
If someone makes a request of you and you think it might be a no, but you aren’t sure how to express it, one of the best tools is to ask for time. ‘Can I get back to you on that?’ or ‘Let me look at my calendar and I’ll get back to you.’ or even ‘I’m not sure, I’ll check with my partner to see if we have plans and then get back to you.’ It’s normal to ask for a moment or more. If the person you say this to says the offer/expectation will expire before you can get back to them, then maybe it ought to be a no anyhow!

Be clear and concise:
If you’re saying no, make sure you don’t need to say it more than once. I once had to break up with a partner twice, because I was much too kind the first time and he didn’t quite get the picture of what I was explaining. The second time we both felt a little silly, once it had dawned on him. So choose your words carefully, ask for that extra time you might need, and say exactly what you mean. If the word no itself is difficult, look at some of the examples above. Just know that nothing is more exacting than a rightly placed no.

Enthusiastic consent:
It’s important to also know when you DO want to do something, but you’re hesitating over whether it’s okay or not. I like to operate on the notion of enthusiastic consent. In other words, if I’m not excited about the yes, then it is probably a begrudging no. Learning those inner markers, how to read them for yourself and then respond appropriately can be something you work on with a professional. It’s sometimes difficult to piece out of the cacophony of other emotions swirling inside when someone asks us to do something or go somewhere or support them in some manner. This is one of the tools I am implementing to combat my people-pleasing manner. I’ve got to really mean my yes if I’m going to use it.

Burnout is real:
If you can’t figure out how to say no or delegate, then you’re most likely on the fast road to a personal burnout. Or maybe you’re already there. This can make mental and physical health deteriorate. When you’re not operating at your best, it can become even more difficult to make choices and have an authentic response to requests. Saying no only when it really matters can lead to burnout, too. Learning the balance between what you want, need, and are obligated to do can save your energy in the short term, and preserve it in the long-run for the unexpected emergencies of life.

If you’re struggling and need some support yourself — that’s okay. There are people in your life you can reach out to; there are coaches available to you; there are therapists to be found. Needing help is not a sign of weakness, it is instead a sign that you are learning your own capacity. If you’ve got some no’s to say, but not the know-how to say them, reach out for a free 30 minute Discovery Call and let’s see if you and I are a good fit. I’d love the opportunity to help you learn when to say yes to yourself!